This season I have been working on my inside. As a woman with confident faith, I didn’t think that was anything I’d be dealing with, especially since this year was significantly better than years past.
Funny thing about my plans. They were mine, and not God’s.
I felt the stirring late summer. Like a turtle, retreat inside the shell. I read more and really marked up my online Bible, drinking it all in. I felt simple praying wasn’t quite enough. I don’t meant to imply this is the process for all, but when God is really moving and my thoughts run deep, I have to find a place at home where I can be flat on the floor. Emptied out. Of all the places, this fall I’ve retreated to a literal closet, lamenting, laying, praying and staying on a bunch of clothes.
Then I went to a conference and my takeaway was to read up and go deeper for healing. Was it for me? Someone else? For ministry purposes? I didn’t know, but I was obedient. There were books that were recommended and I took my time with them. The pain described wasn’t the same, but I felt things floating up to the top like old sediment. Hurts I intentionally and unintentionally stuffed from decades to even days before.
Once I finished the books, I felt the next step (for me, again, I’m not saying this is a general process,) was to get to the root. As I started working on this part, word pictures came to mind. I have been writing in my journal everything I can remember that was a wound I never dealt with. Either I brushed it off or it was too much to deal with.
It has been so, so hard.
I’ll share more in future posts, but I do want to share a word picture I had when praying. I felt like it was for a friend who is going through a similar journey of discovery and healing in Christ, but it has brought me comfort, and I think it might for someone out there, too.
I see a glass tree ornament shattering on the wooden floor. Pieces everywhere. So much brokenness. But the Master’s hands, our Heavenly Father’s hands that created us down to each strand on our head, pieces that ornament back together. When finished, it does not look the same.
The ornament looks BETTER. The brilliance is beyond what I can describe. The glass pieces make a beautiful mosaic that just sparkle and shine. It is a work of art. It is so much more than a tree ornament. It is a showstopper.
I don’t quite understand this season. My life certainly hasn’t been the worst thing ever by a long shot, but in dismissing my challenges and feelings, I think God has a bigger plan.
But He’s got to shatter some stuff to rebuild.
I don’t love it. It is scary, honestly. The depth of what I’m feeling sometimes is a rawness I haven’t explored.
But I’m surrendering it all, because He’s faithful.
(First posted at juliearduini.com)