Are You Searching for Your Self?

If you live long enough, you’ve lost someone you love. Maybe it’s through a breakup, maybe it’s by death, but if you’ve lost a loved one you know the devastation, as if you’ve lost a part of yourself. For me, it’s almost physical.

Three years and two months ago my mother, whom we’d cared for in our home, passed away. Being an only child, I guess I was extremely close to Mom. I didn’t realize it so much when she was alive-you know, you just sort of take your mother for granted? But the connection was so solid that after Mom died, something in me died, and for three years I wasn’t myself. I couldn’t understand it. I knew Mom was in a better place, I believe in heaven and I knew what she believed, but that didn’t seem to matter.

I lost something so vital in my life that Mel, my loving, attentive husband, was very afraid for me. I was afraid for me. I wanted my SELF back. I hid out in the house for three years, only getting out to attend church and get groceries. Crowds put me into a panic.

During that time I helped Mel build a clinic, but I directed things from home, preferably via email.

Two months ago I was forced out of the house and into the workplace–our clinic–when we decided to move our clinic to a larger town and I was forced to be there to direct things in person. I did things I didn’t want to do, interacted with people in ways I didn’t want to, but I did it.

I forced myself out, bought dressy clothing, even wore earrings again. I began to interact with others besides my cats and my husband.

Something happened. Now I wake up in the morning and look forward to coming to the clinic, seeing the patients come through and be treated with kindness by my fantastic husband and nurses and office personnel. I love being with our WONDERFUL staff and see my husband 24 hours a day, even though I’m a true introvert.

I don’t know why it took three years to recover, but it did. I have friends who take longer than that. I’m back. If you’re in that dark period after loss, allow yourself to grieve as long as you need to, but if you see an opportunity to do something, take it. Try it, anyway. Even if you can’t function the first time you try, then you need to give yourself time and patience and try again later. It will happen if you let it.

I thought I’d lost my SELF forever, and then suddenly I was back. It’s me again. I pray that if you’re struggling, you’ll find a way back to your Self, and maybe even a better Self than you ever had before. May God give you healing and peace.
Much love,
Hannah

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About alexanderhodde

I love to write, I love to read (in that order) and I love to hike. My husband loves to fly remote control model airplanes, when he can get them into the air.
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